


to shine as bright as the sun

by devilm4nz



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Closure, Hinata Shouyou & Tsukishima Kei Friendship, Jealous Tsukishima Kei, Jealousy, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:34:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27530053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devilm4nz/pseuds/devilm4nz
Summary: Tsukishima felt like heaving out a big sigh. He doesn’t want to talk about himself. Not when Hinata is right beside him, someone a million times grander than he.Or alternatively: Tsukishima needs a little guidance on his journey to self-love from the one person he adores
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Tsukishima Kei, Hinata Shouyou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 10
Kudos: 100





	to shine as bright as the sun

Jealousy is a disgusting feeling.

At least that’s what Tsukishima thinks. He’s not one to call himself a jealous person. He prefers to turn that welling darkness of anger towards himself rather than on some poor soul who happened to befall such negativity from his projected insecurities. Being jealous of someone when they can’t help who they are is one, ridiculous, and two, silly. He would never let himself feel such trivial emotions, and he loathes himself for thinking and feeling of such sentiment in the first place.

However, his current focus on his peer is invoking such a strong response in Tsukishima, he feels as if he’s being burned alive. With each passing moment of Hinata in the blonde’s presence, that gurgling—that bursting of sickly thoughts comes to plague his mind; the disgustingly strong hatred grasping to take even the smallest bits of light to luminate his own being. It’s almost a pitiful display to think about.

Hinata is so bright, it seems as if nothing could deter him. _All he possesses_ is determination and passion; it oozes off of his being in golden rays and shows in incredible moments of flight. His glow never seems to dim and only blazes brighter as he soars above. How Hinata manages to encompass both Icarus and Helios, Tsukishima isn’t sure. But what he’s (reluctantly) sure of is his beauty: Hinata is gorgeous, in all he does and in all he is.

And Tsukishima? He lacks everything in Hinata’s hold. He desperately craves it in himself. There’s no light, no passion and no self-worth. Tsukishima is growing tired. He’s tired of comparing himself to Hinata and he’s tired of hating himself in the process—nonetheless—for feeling jealous of all things.

 _Is my pride that big for me to restrict myself from feeling basic fucking emotions?_ Tsukishima thinks.

When was the last time he praised himself? It seems all Tsukishima has to say to himself recently is _Why are you not trying hard enough? You settle for the bare minimum and yet you expect the best for yourself. How could you let someone like him surpass you in all aspects of volleyball? For fuck’s sake you’re even taller than him. You’re trying your hardest and you’re getting nothing in return. Isn’t that pathetic? Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Why can’t you ever be good enough? Huh? Why?_

He lets his words eat the empty shell of his mind.

-

Recently, Tsukishima finds himself crying more often than not. It was an unusual occurrence for him, he wasn’t much of a crybaby. He hadn’t even noticed this new change in behavior until Yamaguchi’s words.

“Man, that practice match yesterday with Nekoma really was fun. It makes me, I don’t know, even more excited for future matches! You know, Tsukki?—Hey are you even listening?”

He only gave a hum in response. His head was hung low, towel catching the beads of sweat rolling down the nape of his neck. In that moment, he really did feel like nothing. All he could do is watch the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. In the back of his mind, he noted the ring of twinkling bells in Hinata’s voice as he yelled in awe at something from the other side of the gym.

That evening, as he exited the school grounds, Yamaguchi was quiet. The blonde almost didn’t catch the silence that hung between them until Yamaguchi’s soft-spoken words brought his attention back to the present. Gold turned to meet hazel.

In Yamaguchi’s eyes was something that looked dangerously close to concern. His brows were raised in a slight furrow and his expression was still. A beat passed before he finally said:

“I really hope you’re okay Tsukki, and I hope you know that I care about you a lot.”

Tsukishima promptly turned away from his childhood friend and set his course home. They were such simple words, and he’s heard them countless times prior to this moment, but it was this instance where Tsukishima felt the weight of them the most. _I love and care about you, even when you may not feel that way about yourself._

How hard had he been on himself for him to cry over something so little?

If Yamaguchi had anything to say about the tears welling at the edge of Tsukishima’s eyes, he didn’t comment. He just whispered praises and words of affection towards Tsukishima’s retreating figure and hoped the wind would carry them to heal his heavy heart.

-

Tsukishima must’ve done something terrible in his past life for him to be stuck with Hinata of all people one afternoon after practice. Kageyama was absent that day and Yamaguchi went to perfect his serve with Ishida-san. He was silent as Hinata practically spewed about their upcoming games, always so optimistic. He focused on the squeaking wheels of Hinata’s bike on gravel.

“Oh yeah! Tsukishima, you’re getting super good at blocking! It’s like, bam!─super fast ya know? I’d say you’re getting pretty cool,” Hinata said snarkily with a jab of his elbow in Tsukishima’s ribs.

He ignored the touch. “I didn’t notice.”

Apparently, Hinata didn’t realize that he should drop the conversation because he just kept on going.

“Oh! How could I forget to mention your height! How’s the weather up there Tsukishima?” Hinata looked up to his face with a grin, expectant, before facing forward and giving a small chuckle. “Must be nice, especially in volleyball!”

“It really isn’t all that if I can’t even put it into use.”

Tsukishima felt like heaving out a big sigh. He doesn’t want to talk about himself. Not when Hinata is right beside him, someone a million times grander than he.

“Aw come on Tsukishima, don’t be like that! Have some more faith in yourself!” Hinata emphasized this with a slap on the back.

“Hard to do that when you’re on the same team.”

He froze in his tracks. Tsukishima hadn’t meant to say that out loud. It was just something that instinctually came up to mind. Hinata noticed the falter in steps and turned around to look at him with a look. Tsukishima was sure that if he had played it off, Hinata would have just carried on with more support and compliments towards the blonde, but Tsukishima froze for a second too long. Hinata took everything in and noted Tsukishima’s panicked state. _I can_ _still save this_.

“I’m kidding, obviously.” He hoped his voice came out as flat as usual and hoped that Hinata didn’t notice the slight shake lying within it. He gripped his book bag a little tighter and caught up a few steps to Hinata, until he passed him─a plea for Hinata to follow and continue their path indifferently.

Of course, that didn’t happen. Hinata being Hinata, always so pure of heart, called out to him: “Hey.” It was an inviting voice, soft yet commanding, and Tsukishima felt himself turn back to face him. The sun was setting behind them, preparing for slumber. A shadow was cast upon his face as the orange hues of his hair glowed with illuminated rays. It was as if a halo of flames crowned his head.

Tsukishima didn’t respond. He really felt as if he were frozen in time, with a plethora of thoughts racing a mile a minute in his mind. _I hate myself. I hope he doesn’t think I hate him. I hope I don’t come off as jealous. I hope he doesn’t hate me._

Hinata had a look on his face, and Tsukishima couldn’t figure out for the love of god what it meant. He looked almost scary with the scenery in the back making his hair blaze. His eyes were wide, staring deep into Tsukishima, contemplating. The blonde hated being bare like this, like a mortal to a god.

“Do you really think I’m that much better than you?”

Tsukishima was silent, but the shift of his eyes told Hinata everything. The silence beat on, and on, and on, and on, and on. The sky was mixing into a palette of oranges and purples. Either the sun was setting awfully fast or Hinata’s patience ran longer than Tsukishima thought.

Tsukishima’s patience was wearing thin.

He couldn’t handle the weight of it anymore. “Yes,” he breathed out reluctantly. His shoulders loosened with the released tension and that one confirmation was the catalyst for all of his confessions. “Hinata, I don’t hate you for it. You were born with talent and you’re undeniably _amazing_. It’s not something you can help and it’s not something I should be hateful over─I _know_ that. But when you’re around I can’t help these thoughts─it’s not your fault, it’s just me, it’s always _been_ me. I can’t help but hate myself. I don’t even understand why I’m so hellbent on being like you when I have height and brains! Why can’t that be enough? I guess it’s because I don’t put any effort in anything I do. I don’t even think I have passion! Why is this so irritating to me?” He took a breath. “You don’t understand how much I look up to you, how much I wish to be like you, but I just can’t. How can I be as passionate, as determined, as persevering as you?! How can I ever be as _bright_ as you?”

He didn’t realize how close he got to HInata or when he closed the gap. With his body leaning forward over Hinata, arms splayed out, it almost looks like Tsukishima is praying.

“I’m sorry.” He said quietly, and stepped back.

“Don’t be.”

There was another silence that passed. Hinata just stared. He was being awfully silent. The sun was completely hidden beyond the horizon now and the sky took on a cool blue hue.

“You know Tsukishima, I don’t think you give yourself enough credit.”

Tsukishima looked back at the smaller male.

“I think the fact that you strive so hard to be someone else is just proof of your own efforts to improve yourself, albeit a little self destructive. You shouldn’t beat yourself up so hard about some things you can’t control. Take time to appreciate what you have Tsukishima, even if it may be difficult.”

The stars seem to poke against the dark blanket of the night sky. Hinata was doing that thing where his demeanor changed to something much wiser, much more feeling, and it’s like another soul had possessed his body.

“Have you ever tried to think about yourself from another person’s perspective?”

“No.”

“It would do you some good to try. There are probably lots of people in your life who look up and care for you. Everyone has one, and I know for sure you have plenty. Appreciate and love yourself like they would to you.”

Yamaguchi’s figure appears in his mind. _I really hope you’re okay Tsukki, and I hope you know that I care about you a lot._ That memory─that appreciation has Tsukishima holding back tears that threaten to spill.

“If it helps, or if you can’t think of anyone, I think you’re amazing Tsukishima. I think you’re analytical, snarky, funny..tall! You also have what I don’t,” He said softly. “I hope you know that I admire you to the same extent you do to me.” His gaze was unyielding. Understanding. Hinata spoke from his heart.

He starts to guide his bike in the opposite direction, swinging his leg over and seating himself, preparing for home. The air is chilly, the sky cerulean.

“You know, Tsukishima, I think you shine bright in your own way,” The moon finally graces the sky with its appearance. “And that just makes you all the more fun.” And with that, Hinata was off, leaving him speechless.

A wave of emotions washed over Tsukishima’s body. He was quiet for a moment. Still. He felt closure and warmth, yet shocked. It was all so simple and pure, the way Hinata laid everything out to him so easily. It was so..Hinata, always so straight to the point and kind. He was speechless, and after a minute of reflection, he started off home, grateful tears falling down his cheeks and soft sniffles breaking into the air. Tsukishima’s path home that evening was one marked with passion, motivation, and most importantly, love.

 _Since when was Hinata so emotionally aware?_ He thought cheekily. With the wipe of his nose and the beams of the moon shining down on him, Tsukishima smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you all enjoyed! im still a newbie when it comes to writing but i do feel proud of this one >< i actually wrote this as a projection of sorts about my current emotions of self-loathing, and a friend who helped me learn to be not so hard on myself. i hope it touched you the same way it did for me. as always kudos and comments are appreciated and im open to constructive criticism!


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